I Woke Up to the Sound of Silence
by K Mirage
Summary: A look into Dean's feelings and thoughts as Sam was locked in the panic room the second time. One-Shot story.


"Don't."

Dean's hand froze above Sam's for a moment before pulling away to satisfy the youngest Winchester. Dean took the few steps backwards until he hit the chair he pulled up just a few minutes ago. His body tiredly sunk into it and he laid his arms on his knees in front of him. Looking up from the panic room floor Dean studied his brother and saw exhaustion written all over his body. Sam's brow was covered in sweat and his eyes were at half mast even as he stared up at the swirling fan of the panic room. Sam was too still in thought and Dean almost started praying again for him to say something or move an inch. Dean was ready to release his brother from the handcuffs that trapped him to the cot but Sam was adamant against it. Dean would do what his brother asked. For now.

Sam didn't speak again or even look at his brother who was sitting and waiting for the next step of the process. Dean wasn't use to not hearing Sam's voice since the last few hours the only thing he could hear was his screams. He screamed for his father, his mother and Jess. Dean heard his name screamed way too often and the whiskey he drank didn't seem to help. Every sip that touched his lips taunted him somehow knowing Dean would never get Sam's screams out of his head.

They didn't have to force Sam into the panic room this second time around. Dean's brother seemed more than willing to be locked up even though Dean could see the tremble of fear through his frame. Sam stood for a minute looking at the cot not saying a word before he moved forward to lay on it. Dean locked him to the cot to make sure he didn't hurt himself during his withdrawal and his seizures. Dean remembered Sam staring at him as he closed the handcuffs around his wrists and stepped away from his terrified but determined brother.

"Don't come in until it's done."

"Sam..."

"I'm serious. I want to do this alone. Please."

Sam looked away after that and Dean could see the stubborn set of his jaw. The older hunter left and kept that promise throughout the hours. Sam didn't have to know he stood right outside the door listening to everything Sam said through the panic room's thick walls. Dean stood hour after hour gripping the whiskey bottle tightly in his shaking hands mentally categorizing every word that filtered through the iron walls. He knew he could spend his time doing something else but he couldn't leave his suffering brother alone. Sam needed him and if Dean had to suffer because of it then he would do what he could. Even if every time Sam screamed his name some part of Dean fell away into darkness.

He vaguely remembered going outside thankful that Castiel and Bobby left him to be alone. He asked, actually you could probably called it begged, for help from a God who seemed to ignore everything that was happening in the world. He didn't expect an answer from Him or any angel for that matter but some small part of him wished that someone would come and make everything better. Take this burden off his shoulders and free his brother from this destiny that is threatening to devour him.

He left the whiskey out of the panic room as he sat patiently for his brother to give him some sign. Dean was a little hesitant to allow his brother to go through this withdrawal alone since Dean saw that this time wasn't his fault. Sam couldn't help the hunger he felt just as much as Castiel couldn't help eating three hundred cheeseburgers. Yet Dean could read the guilt and failure on his brother's face plain as day.

"I'm sorry." Sam's voice threw him out of his thoughts and brought his gaze from his hands to look at his brother. Sam was still looking straight up not bothering to look at anything else especially Dean. Despite this Dean could see that the weight on Sam's shoulders didn't shift or move since he was locked in the panic room to begin with. It still sat heavy and threatened to drag the youngest Winchester to where no one could help him.

"It's not your fault."

"Yes it is. It's always my fault."

"Sam. Don't."

"No Dean." Sam turned his head and Dean wanted to run from the hurt he saw in his younger brother's eyes. It threatened to swallow the small light that was left in Sam's eyes and Dean couldn't look away from it all. "Let me say what I have to say. Please."

Dean's voice gave out at him knowing his brother was going to make Dean regret the decision he was about to make. He nodded his head in the positive giving Sam his permission to speak his peace. The older Winchester would listen and try to sort through his emotions at a later time. Right now he needed to put up a strong front. Be strong for his brother.

"I'm sorry for everything. For Ruby and Lilith. I should have listened and I didn't."

"Sam..."

"Shut up Dean. I never wanted to put you through any of this. I didn't want... any of it." Sam turned away and Dean saw he was losing his handle on his emotions. The jingle of the handcuffs helped Dean remember why he came into the panic room in the first place and Dean stood to go to his brother. He bent down and started unlocking Sam's wrists.

"Don't. Leave them."

"No. You're done and you know it."

Sam didn't respond besides staring at his brother as Dean finished freeing Sam from the cot. Sam didn't move even as Dean threw the handcuffs toward the corner before going to sit in his chair again. The brothers were silent for a few minutes as Dean tried to gather his strength for what he wanted to say. Dean was never good with expressing his emotions but desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Sam. You've made mistakes. But I've also made mistakes." Sam slowly turned to look at his brother and his face held a hint of hope. He wanted his brother to tell him something that would carry him through this ordeal. Something to take the pain away. Dean felt heavy with this burden especially since he was falling down his own black hole. How was he supposed to hold his brother up when he could barely hold himself up?

"We have to move on though. Be tough and all that." Sam gave a small chuckle and went back to staring at the ceiling. Dean kept quiet knowing he wouldn't be able to say exactly what he was feeling. To tell his brother about the overwhelming depression that threatened to drown him every day. One day it would be too much.

Dean looked up when he heard a noise and saw that his brother was trying to sit up on the cot. The older Winchester stood and helped his brother sit and eventually swing his legs so his feet landed on the cold floor. Sam breathed in deeply and crinkled his nose in confusion.

"You smell like whiskey." Sam said as he stood slowly on weak legs letting his older brother hold him up. Sam looked like he needed the support.

"Yea well you smell like sweat." Sam huffed a laugh even as he moved towards the open panic room door while leaning on Dean the whole way.

"I guess we both need to change."

"Yea. I guess so." They made it to the door and Sam stepped over the ridge of the panic room using his hands to push him through the threshold. Dean had to let him go because they both wouldn't fit and he was happy to see Sam able to stand on his own two feet. In fact Sam didn't wait for his brother as he made his way to the steps on his own. Sam held onto the wall next to the stairs as he pulled himself up step by step. Dean stood standing watching his wavering brother force himself to take another step with a determined look on his exhausted face. Eventually Sam's form vanished and Dean wondered when his brother would call for him. The call never came and some form of emotion overcame Dean making him fell slightly more empty. He couldn't place it though and he forced himself to go up the stairs to meet his brother and Bobby. Sam might have been able to get up the stairs alone but he would need Dean's help soon. Dean just prayed he wasn't drowning by the time Sam asked for his help.


End file.
